Something on your Mind

Often I sit on the edge of my bed, and think I'm worth anything at all.  I have been bullied almost the whole of my life. The earliest memories I have, is from I being bullied is from preschool. The girls called me so many bad things, and none of the boys bothered to talk to me. It continued through the years. In 3rd grade there started a new boy in my class. It was my first actually friend, and we had so much fun together. But then he started to talk well with another boy in the class, and then they started to bully me. And they tried to make it a goal, to get me to cry every day. And they succeeded too. It went really wrong one day, when I wanted to help my sister. I wanted to help my sister because some stupid guy from my class, had toked a swing, from my her. I rebuked them, it gave them a reason to be extra rude to me. For a long time they spat and shouted at me. One day all the boys surrounded me and pushed a tomato out of my hair. I obviously said it to the teachers, and the teacher gave them a rebuked, but it did not help at all. Throughout my time at the school, I had no real friends. In 6th grade, it was too much for me, and I considered to commit suicide. Every night I cried myself to sleep while I was thinking about, how I should commit suicide. Once, I was out cycling, I was so close to get hit by a truck. But it did not hit me, I actually hoped the truck would kill me! In fourth class I helped my brother because he was bullied so much he also would commit suicide. He tried at least 2 times to strangle himself (we did not know at the time, that he could not strangle himself with his bare hands) and the 2 times I had to persuade him to stop because I was the only one he would listen to. In 7th grade we all had to move to another school and was combined with another class. In the late 7th and early 8th grade, I got a few friends. But there were several who bullied me, and it was also more physical bullying. I could never say anything in class, without the boys chopped very down to me and was chasing me. In the breaks they called me very rude things, pushed and tripped me. It was really hard, but I survived it, though I still thought of suicide. In 9th grade I went to a boarding school and it was the best year of my life. I got some really good friends and had a generally good there. I was now only bullied by a few boys. But I had a hard time because him I lived with was very stupid to me, he lied and stole from me. Halfway through the year, The boy I lived with began to cut himself - even in front of me. It was really hard, and eventually it ended up that I also started to scratch myself with needles and scissors. I did it to punish myself, and because I felt that I was worth something. I still do it a little. I do not do it to get attention, but to punish myself. After being bullied for so many years, I have a very low self-esteem. I hate to see my self in a mirror, but I do not know what to do about it. Luckily I have some good friends and a family that is always there for me.