'Nightmares': A Story of Trauma and Survival

I woke up from a nightmare, the same nightmare that I had every night. Literally I sweated like I just had a bath. I was completely wet. I can’t remember what I dreamed of, but I do remember that I was afraid, terrified. I woke up from bed, looked at me in the mirror and thought this can’t go on any longer. I have to do something. I lay in bed again. I trembled and couldn’t lie still. I gave up on sleeping and took my clothes on and went outside. It was as if there was a loud sound in my ear all the time. I could not find peace. When I tried to think I could not concentrate because of the sound. It was a screaming sound. It was as if it screamed something to me. It was as if my legs walk of themselves, my heart didn’t want to go, but my brain wanted to go. Just like opposites. It was as if the sound would have it to be wild, so wild that I would die in a violent manner. The sound made me cry, I became hysterical and helpless. But what it was screaming, I could not hear. I had gone very far now, it was dark and cold. I felt abandoned, lonely and that I had nothing to be here for anymore. Eventually, I could not handle the pressure. The sound, the voices, thoughts and feelings made me mad; I lost control of myself and fell into the sea. I tried to get up; it was as if the water holds me down. The sound, the voices, thoughts and emotions were still there. I thought that I would try to let go and let me flow. My heart would die, but my brain would live. It was the strongest. I was losing air. I think I was close to death. But it was exactly what I wanted. Everything had left me, I had nothing left. No family, no children and no husband. I had nothing left. My husband was decapitated during the war. My children were raped and then shot. I saw my parents being killed when I was 10 years. I saw them being raped, beaten and then shot. After all the terrible memories, what am I supposed to live for?