Father and Son: A Story of Grief

I was so shocked, suddenly I had to get myself going, had to run upstairs, fetch the phone and ring after an ambulance. It all has to happen so fast, and I am too weak, it feels like I am nailed to the floor, cannot do anything. I’m just sitting on my knees; my son is lying in my arms, staring with wild eyes, up in the ceiling. I can see my son slowly passing out, and I cannot do anything about, I am too weak, too unsecure and suddenly it hits me and takes my only son. His eyes slowly closed, and tears started to come. I just have to realize the one fact, now this family is official only a father. I can only think about the time when I had a son and a wife, I can only think about having a person to talk with, a person to talk to.

I should have done something, before I lost my son completely. I should have continued to help people; my son should have had a person to look up to, but now it is too late. I want to redo the past, but I cannot, it is all gone. My past suddenly takes it price, why couldn’t I just have continued being a good father? Why did I get so scared of life, after my wife died? So afraid of death, it has ruined everything, every good thing in life, my friends and my son, everything is gone. Do I have any choice left? I have nothing to do with life, nothing to live for, nothing to protect. I am so scared of everything, so afraid of life. Why continue fighting against faith? I think faith always wanted this to happen, faith always wanted our family to die, first my wife and then my son. I have survived so far, but I cannot live much longer, I am too vulnerable. Do I need to leave a note? No one is going to miss me, maybe no one ever notices that I am gone, and even if they do I do not care. Nothing is worth living for any longer.