Insecurities

To the person who found this bottle. I'm so glad that you have found my message. If you’re reading this, that means I’m dead and this note is about me, my story and why I decided to take my own life. Growing up, I was a weird kid and teenager. You could say that I was the strange and overweight kid in school. I was always the target of all kinds of bullying all through high school. The experience reached a point where I didn't care anymore. I felt numb. Mostly I felt nothing at all but sometimes I would feel everything. But no one knew that I was actually suffering on the inside. My self-confidence and self-worth completely disappeared, so I developed body dysmorphia and became anorexic. I thought that food was my biggest enemy. It wasn’t because I compared myself to other girls. I just had some expectations of myself and wanted to gain some control. It was so easy to start. I didn’t like my thighs and wanted to get rid of the fat. I restricted my calorie intake. Somehow I got addicted to sound of my stomach growling and the feeling of hunger. As months went on my grocery list was just as long as my little finger consisting of cauliflower, green tea, and some laxatives. Saving money was easy when you’re starving until you realize that getting back on track was hard. It became hard to run. After I exercised, I would lie on my bed and feel exhausted. Suddenly it became hard to walk. I would always feel lightheaded. Then it became hard to move. My heartbeat was so fast. Blinking felt hard. It then also became hard to think in class. I couldn't stop thinking about my daily calorie intake and weight. I could think only of the food that I could not have. I looked at the pictures and videos of people enjoying the delicious food that I would never eat, just like boys who look at pictures of fierce and dazzling girls they would never be able to date or marry. Last but not least, existing became hard. But the hardest of all was to stop and living a normal life, like everyone else. -To the person who's currently reading this, I want you to look at yourself and think you are worth it. Don't ever compare yourself to other people who make you feel atrocious about yourself.